So, I got another letter from childfund thanking me once more for my contribution and urging me to write to the kid. What? How dare they? I mean, I am fucking working, busting my ass, two hours a week in order to send that money and I have to be the first one to write to him? "When you write to the kid and let him know a little about you, you make him more comfortable and more likely to write back"...How fucking dare they? What am I prepping this kid for a future date?
Even though it takes me like no effort to earn the measly $30 a month to send to this kid, I still feel like I am owed. Or do I? I mean technically, if I take in to account that (the country I am residing in) is financially-raping all the Latino-American countries and which directly contributes to the fact that they are poor and the reason that this kid needs money, maybe I owe him. Like half my pay, but fuck that, we're not doing that. Ill just write him the freaking letter:
"Dear insert-name-here
I am sorry that the shitty conditions you must live in are the direct result of my oppressing country holding some kind of monopoly on the goods that are produced by your country. Really, it's all standard procedure, stronger country fucks over weaker country, normal biology kid, kill or be killed. None cares about you but your mommy. Here is an extra $400, maybe with that you can afford an automatic AK-47 and start your own drug cartel in the next few years. I would suggest taking out your dad first, he will just stand in the way of your dreams and he is obviously a useless provider and another mouth to feed in the household. If you are too emotionally attached to him to kill him, shoot him in the penis so he won't make more kids that he can't take care off. Anyway, I know that is a lot for a four year old to stomach right now, just trust me on this (I am obviously from the land that's favored by god, so I know), get that kalashnikov and start practicing, you'll thank me later.
A little bit about me. I like beer. Come to think of it, I think each time I go out I spend like twice the amount that I send you, on beer per night. I also go out on dates (sometimes). Mostly with whores. Now, I doubt that you know what a whore is and I should explain it to you. It's just a woman, that has too much love to give, so she shares it around. Really, they are humanitarians. A kalashnikov will probably get you many whores, they like big guns. I also watch soccer and movies sometimes, but only because a whore is unavailable to hang out in that particular moment or not enough time has passed since last time I drank beer. You should probably watch the movie Godfather, it will help you run your cartel later on.
Well, until next letter and hope you write back."
I'm sure I'll think of something better, this is obviously a joke...
Oh, what a relief! I thought you were going to send this! :)
ReplyDeleteAlso, don't forget that the kid might relate to Scarface easier than Godfather, since he may be all alone, without the big backing of La Famiglia.
All kidding aside, it's a good point. Hilarious letter, but everything you say in it is so true. And the blanket motions that the charity org is going through looks so vain and ridiculous once you consider all this. And the entitlement that we all go through is amazing as well. Good read.
I don't know about Scarface. Sure, it's more based on drugs and more hispanic, but I think Godfather details a bit more on how to run a criminal enterprise successfully and generally on who to trust in life.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, I despise most of the "gangster" wana-be youth that praise Scarface. If you look at the movie, he had it all for a little bit (the world) because of cocaine. But then he couldn't fuck his wife because of cocaine. He killed his best friend because of cocaine, got his sister killed because of cocaine and died because of cocaine. Instead of getting one riled up to be in that business, it should do the absolute opposite.
The movie never touches on inter-personal business relationships very much either.
Thanks for the reply man, made me think.